Something’s wrong, I just know it. It’s a gut feeling that stirs you deep within, tugging your strings. Call it emo if you want, but I know that feeling. That feeling of just wanting to sit in a corner and just be quiet, hoping no one notices you and just leaves you alone. That feeling of being alone on a rainy day in a bus while you look out the window and raindrops fall on it, oh so slowly, as though they were teardrops that were shedding for you.

I have no reason for this stirring emotion, but maybe something’s lacking. Lacking in my life. It feels so empty and without purpose, alone and somewhat dark. An uneven stone path with no end in sight, just darkness.

It’s been a bad day, a really bad day. And I just want someone to talk to.

There are times when you listen to a song and just can’t help but feel this overwhelming urge to write or talk to someone… It’s exactly this feeling that fuels my love and passion to write. Over these past 2 months plus, I’ve lost passion and urge to write because I’ve been so pre-occupied with rifles and camouflage and whatnot. I’m honestly growing quite sick of it. Grown men resorting to have to fight… And you call yourself civilized men. I guess barbarism is innate, in all men.

But anyway, here I am: Deeply entrenched in a feeling of a need to write. Look around you, and you’ll easily find a couple here and there, snuggling in each other’s embrace… A warmth only they share and understand. A love, different from those platonic or familial. I can’t help but wonder from time to time, when I’ll ever be in that embrace. Maybe it’s me, maybe it isn’t time, perhaps not the right one or even… Not meant to be? I don’t know.

Some people say that there’s no need to rush, and yes, I suppose that’s true too. We’ve got a whole life ahead of us, so why the need to press for such an important decision now? This isn’t logical I guess, but when emotions rule our head, we feel a certain way that dominates what we think we should do instead. But back to what I was saying, I’d really like to be able to hold someone close and watch the waves crash by or watch the fireworks go up in the sky while we share a special moment. It’d be nice to know that there’s someone who you can always turn to whenever you want to. That’d be nice.

I just feel so hollow right now… So damn hollow.

*Ping Pong Song in the background*

At every point in time of our life, we’re forced to make decisions. Sometimes, some of these decisions may not always be the right one. And what if, you made the wrong choice? You’re forced to live with a decision that you might wind up regretting one day. For me, there are questions which stem from choices that I made that still haunt me.

I don’t know if I’d wish I could turn back time to re-make that choice. Strange isn’t it?

It’s been quiet. Really quiet. Silent contemplation while you stare out at everything else.

Finally, we’re off that damn island and back on mainland… For awhile now at least. Tomorrow, we get a fresh start as Specialist Cadet Trainees (SCTs) at our new camp and well… Hopefully it’ll be as fun as section 3 (if not better heh). But heck, there’ll be new people to meet and friends to make all over again. This is the cycle I suppose.

Did practically nothing today, except packing for my new destination. It’s been a quiet day… Nothing interesting really happened. In fact, this week’s pretty much been kinda quiet. It’s getting boring honestly… Maybe I need a new hobby… Or interest. Hmmm.

Captain Lennox of Delta Echelon-6

This isn’t exactly the best time to be writing a post, especially not the first post after what… 2 months… On an iPhone. How brilliant. Well, I can’t help it anyway. Can’t quite sleep, and I don’t know why. I sit on my bed at about 3.45am in the morning to compose my Tumblr post, how awesome huh.

I guess I might have some things on my mind, things that don’t sit right and cause a sort of disequilibrium in my heart. They’re not the big things, like stress over an exam or a broken heart over a girl… They’re… Different.

Firstly, girls: I give up on em. Time has opened my eyes and shown me a thing or two about boy-girl relationships at this point in time. They don’t last very long. Even if they do now, who’s to say it won’t dissolve tomorrow? I’ve grown to be quite the skeptic, or cynic… Whatever. Perhaps there comes a point in time where we seek companionship of some sort, some time before when we were naive and too eager, as well as some time later on in life when such becomes a need to carry on a bloodline. As for now… No such need exists.

Secondly, I’m starting to lose touch with who I was in the past. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but I realize that I’ve become different. Different in my approach to people, to situations. Perhaps this is a result of my national service experience and a sort of self-awakening to the method of my actions. Just maybe. Yet this new difference makes me feel somewhat unsuited to connect with my old friends, close friends that I once felt so connected to. Now I feel as though I hardly know them. Even when I try and replicate my past actions and mimic them, I feel no urge to revert. I feel as though this new change is here to stay. Good or not, I can’t say as of yet. I just know that this is… Different.

Maybe in time I’ll find a new me, a me who will adjust better and find itself more settled. As for now, I just feel like a stranger in a new land.

P.S. Who needs girls when you have Maltesers?

Geez, quick ain’t it? Time really flies, and I mean it REALLY flies. *Snap* Welcome to JC. *Snap* Welcome to the ‘A’ levels. *Snap* Welcome to the Army. Before I know it, I’ll be out, I’ll go on to pursue my degree, get a job, find a nice girl to settle down with, have kids, die. I can imagine all that happening… And I guess perhaps it’s a matter of time.

I’ll be enlisting to serve my nation in about 2-3 days, pretty nervous and excited I suppose. Then again, tons of people have done it and got out, so what makes mine so special eh? No one else can make my experience special, apart from myself. So… Write a new chapter into my life, or watch this part fly by? A choice to make, a decision to live by.

I’ll admit: I’m feeling pretty empty right now. A lack of purpose, this holiday has been too long. I need something to get me going, something to DO for real. Not a part-time job to kill time, I need to do something I HAVE to do. I’ve had this feeling once before, but not this intense. It’s no longer that feeling of wanting someone to be with, or having the need to own something… It’s different now.

“I’m not perfect, but I keep trying…” - Hedley

OKAY! It’s been like about 24 hours since I returned back from Batam with Laurencia, Melissa and Sylvester! Haha, it’s like my virgin trip overseas with no adults or teachers whatsoever… Just us hehehe. I think we had a blast (or at least I did :D) just running around and having our own activities (: All I want now is just the photos that LAURENCIA HAS IN HER CAMERA. Please put all that in my harddrive thank you very much.

Maybe spending like 2 hours in the sea wasn’t such a good idea? I’m seriously a two-toned lobster right now, more red than tan… Had our kayak overturn in the sea, paddling around in circles, got Laurencia freaking out about the kelp in the water… Best water experience ever :D Sadly though, I’m feeling kinda feverish from all the sun. Just hope that I’m not gonna return to work feeling sick… Ah, work again… Sian.

Some of the interesting stuff we did includes (but wasn’t limited to): Airsoft game which had each of us carrying 200+ rounds and running around a field shooting pellets at one another leaving bruises, seeing a turtle doing taichi in the morning atop a little rock in the pond, me scoring ALL THE NEGATIVE POINTS for our game of billiards… Haha the list would go on, but I’m really just feeling pretty ): from the sun.

P.S. If any three of you are reading this, all I have to say to you is… TURTLE! (:

Have you ever sat on a bus, or stand on the the train just staring at everything outside whizzing past you while you remain relatively stationary? Ever thought if you’re the one who’s really moving, or is the world just speeding ahead of you? Hmmm. I don’t want to get into the Physics of this all, but maybe it’s neither. Maybe it’s just us thinking we’re moving, perhaps we’re not even moving at all. We just think we’re moving. This idea isn’t new, but perhaps the thought of it might be to you.

Have you ever wondered “What If…?” I’m sure you have. We do it almost all the time. We’ve always wished at some point that we could turn the clock back, rewind time… Maybe even stop it at a certain loop. That’d be nice… For awhile I suppose. Then again, what’s “awhile” like if you could manipulate time eh? Fantasy aside, reality’s at hand. What’s your “What If…?” Let me know, I’m interested to hear it. (:

My “What If…?” To find real happiness that would last. Not a temporary illusion that satisfies your present interest in a desperate attempt to nullify boredom and set off some sparks. No, not that. I’m talking about real bliss. The one where your story lives forever in a “Happily Ever After”. “The End” doesn’t exist for you, because there’s so much joy that you’ll die a happy man. Your last breath was joy, you’ve become happy forever… In some sense.

I’ve never really found it, not that I think I’ll find it soon. Heck, if I did, my life would be complete eh? And isn’t that a little too soon? But I’d like a nice girl to settle down with… Not all this “Shit, this girl’s damn hot” or those fling-types. Not my cuppa joe to jump around when it comes to emotions… I prefer being stable, y’know.

Of course, girls like these don’t come easy. I don’t deny that each couple fit each other uniquely like cogs, and just because 2 cogs don’t fit doesn’t mean there’ll never be clockwork for these 2. They just need the right types to turn. For me? I’m having a little bit of difficulty finding a cog that fits… Apparently, I think I’m shaped a little odd… Rare gem to find I suppose. I just hope we end up happy. As well as for every other couple out there, stay happy. You folks give singles like us out there a beautiful string of hope, like the ones on the harp that play a beautiful piece. (: